Moon Pies

The Moon Pie

Description

Moon Pies are by description, marshmallow filling between two pieces of cake.  Moon Pies are in actuality, not.  The substance in the center remains a mystery, but the outer cookie-esque layers are a rare combination of graham cracker and cardboard (the cardboard gives it its nice, flakey consistency).

Moon Pies come in two flavors: Yellow and Brown.  The package might say Banana or chocolate, but trust me on this – the flavors are yellow and brown.

Consumption

There are certain requirements for a Moon Pie to truly be a Moon Pie.  Most of them have to do with the overall experience more than the taste.
  • Must be purchased from the shelf of a gas station
  • Is curiously dry
  • The outer layer must stick to the wrapper when opened
  • Must be consumed with an R.C. Cola

The R.C. Cola is an interesting requirement, and probably not everyone will agree with me.   The combination of a Moon Pie and any soda* is something that only the digestive system of a 10 year old boy (or a mountain goat) can typically handle.  Much like soda and pop rocks, but not nearly as entertaining.

Miscellaneous

There are many bizarre and inexplicable facts of life in the universe.  One such universal anomaly is the age of the Moon Pie.  For unknown reasons, the expiration date marked on each individual Moon Pie is perpetually one month older than whatever date you find it. For example, if you find your Moon Pie in February 2010, the expiration marked on the package will be at least January 2010 (or earlier).  The greatest scientists in the world have been unable to explain this phenomenon, primarily because they haven’t tried.  My guess is that somehow time slowed down in old gas stations and we just never noticed.

Hope you’ve enjoyed this brief history of snackology.  If you’ve never had one and come across a Moon Pie, go for it.  They don’t taste “bad” exactly.  They just… taste.  I will however say that if this is what people eat exclusively on the moon, I’ll happily stay Earthbound a while.

- J

* Pronounced “coke”

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6 Responses to “Moon Pies”

  1. Popgun Says:

    I am pretty sure that they used to come in white and pink, too… maybe before your time.

    Excellent snark!

    -Popgun

  2. Ali Says:

    Lol. . . soda*

    (pronounced “coke”)

    Love it!

  3. SFord Says:

    Thanks a lot J. You got me craving one of those chocolate-covered cardboard treats now. Should I head to Pulasky’s store to try to find one?

    I remember seeing white ones also. I don’t remember the taste being much different than the brown. The yellow, however, had a distinct flavor all its own – disgusting.

    Next you should describe Snowballs. Remember those pink coconut delicacies?

    • J Says:

      I was thinking about Pulasky’s the whole time lol. Glad you get my frame of reference.

      Snowballs are awful on all levels. They’re just… wrong. At least Moon pies had the decency to make their food the color of what they wanted it to taste like.

  4. Popgun Says:

    I was wrong about the pink, but they did make white ones, nominally vanilla.

    -Popgun

  5. theannegirls Says:

    I walked by a vending machine at school today, and what did i see? A BROWN MOON PIE!! It wasn’t a gas station, but there was definite wrapper stickage. I instantly thought of you and this post and it made me smile:)

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