Lost in Translation

What my roommate says to me:

“Hey J, I’m going out of town this weekend.”

What I hear:

“Hey J, you don’t have to wear pants for 2 days!”

Happy Friday everyone!

Funny Because it’s True?

Long standing quote:

“Why is there a hole in the roof of Texas Stadium?  So God can watch his favorite football team.”

Quote explaining last night’s loss in the new stadium:

“God must be pissed because of that big screen blocking his view.”
 - My roommate

You know, he might be on to something there…

- J

Measurements 2.0

I seem to be on to something here.  I knew I wasn’t the only one curious about these kinds of words.  At the prompting of a few readers, here’s some more discoveries I’ve made about the history of small units of measurement.

Dab

An interesting thing about “dab” you’ll notice is that it’s only used in reference to semi-solid materials.  You’ll never hear someone ask for a dab of steak, but a dab of mashed potatoes is fine.  I’ve used a dab of glue, but I’ve never put it on a dab of wood.  This is because dab was not originally a form of measurement, but a syrupy medicine used in the late 1800’s.  Dab was a famous cure-all sold in small towns by crafty salesmen from the larger cities.  If you’re arm was sore, put Dab on it.  If you had a toothache, put Dab on it.  Although today we know it was clearly a sham, ”dabbing” something still made its way into common speech.

Dollop

The “Dollop” was created by the sour cream industry in conjunction with a major whipped cream brand based out of Glenview, Illinois.  During a marketing meeting a young, spry associate was asked to describe the products when used.  In a panic he looked up from his doodle and said “Uh, it goes Plop.” And the manager said, “No, that was taken by Alka-Seltzer.”  Adding another ’o’ was out of the question, because then you were left with “polop”, which is a terribly unfortunate homonym.  So they decided to change the first letter AND add another vowel.  After a quick brainstorming session, the Dollop was born.

Measurements of Force

The evolution of most words describing force are based on reversed phonics.  Instead of sounding out the words, you word out the sounds.  Almost all sound words are onomatopoeia’s* (words that sound like what they are describing). 

Because of this, words like pop, pow, crack and whack all originated in stories told from person to person and then had to be spelled once they were written down.  And of course, these are also the sounds that Adam West makes when he punches someone.

It’s entirely possible I’m having too much fun with this…

- J

* fun fact: the word onomatopoeia IS in fact an onomatopoeia, describing the sounds made when trying to pronounce the word onomatopoeia.

A Little Off

Not too long ago I noticed an alarming amount of random words used for small measurements.  I also realized that we use them all the time but nobody seems to know where they came from or how they ended up in our daily speech.  So I did some reasearch and decided to share my findings with you.

Tad

First up is a “tad”.  The tad measurement has perplexed many linguists.  Most assume it’s a singular word when it is, in fact, a shortened form of the word “tadpole”.  When American settlers first decided to build homes in Louisiana, they were forced to build on marshlands with crude tools.  Lacking rulers they used many common items and animals around them to dictate length.  It was not an exact measurement, but the average tadpole is approximately half an inch long.  When using a “tad” to measure volume, it means something about the size and weight of a tadpole. Some other measurements from Louisiana they used that did not catch on include a gator tooth, an elm leaf and a bucket o’ swamp water.

Bit

When someone asks you for a “bit” of something, they probably don’t know exactly what they’re asking for.  Unbeknownst by most (because it mostly isn’t true), the bit did not always reference a very small portion of something.  The bit measurement comes from a horse bit which holds the reins in a horse’s mouth.  Back then, the average horse bit was a cylinder about 5 or 6 inches long and half an inch in diameter.  They have since been modernized and PETAfied to be thin pieces of metal with hinges on the edges to allow more comfort for the horse.  But the next time someone asks you for a “bit of salt”, don’t let them get mad at you for dumping about 4 ounces of it on their green beans.  They got what they asked for.

Oh, and the ”little bit” is, obviously, the bit used by a Shetland Pony.

Smidgen

Smidgen comes to us, like so many words, as a contraction gone awry.  The correct spelling is Sm’idgeon.  It’s a combination of the words Small and Pigeon.  I know, I was surprised too.  But this does explain why you mostly hear the word smidgen in reference to food.  As with the bit measurement, a sm’idgeon was also originally a lot bigger before being adapted into modern dialects.  I, however, still put a sm’idgeon of butter on my popcorn.

Yes, I know a few quick google searches would give me the true etymology of these words and phrases.  But I am of the mind that it’s just way more fun to just make stuff up.

- J

R.I.P. Mixed Tape

Today I had to explain what a cassette tape was to a child because she has never seen one.

Woah.

- J

Rimshot! Stat!

I waited tables for several years, and out of that I’ve got lots of stories.  A few of them are even fit to tell in public.  Such as this one:

One lunch rush, I found myself waiting on our family doctor (long retired) and 4 of his friends.  This would be the same man that assisted in my birth.  I hadn’t seen him in years and after a brief catch up, he introduced me to the others at the table, all doctors.

The time came to take their orders.  In guest order it came like this:

1 – Chicken Fried Steak
2 – Chicken Fried Steak
3 – Chicken Fried Steak
4 – Chicken Fried Steak
5 – Chicken Salad

Before walking away from the table I said, “So…  Four out of five doctors recommend our chicken fried steak?”

I got nothing.  Not so much as a smile from any of them.  I, however, thought it was hilarious.

- J

Topic? What Topic?

Well so much for being a “stay at home blogger”.

When you’re young you get asked all the time what you want to be when you grow up.  For me, around the age of 8 that answer could change ten times a week.  Like some kind of career oriented attention deficit disorder.   Fireman! Archeologist! Astronaut! *gasp* I got it! An archeologist who fights fires in space!!!

Clearly this was before I learned that space was a vacuum.  Or at least before I knew what that meant.  You can’t tell an 8 year old that there’s a vacuum in space, because he’ll just imagine his mom sucking up asteroids with a Hoover.  I had a similar problem with microwave towers.

“Dad, what’s on the top of that tower?”
“Well son, that’s a microwave emitter.”

Seemed a bit out of the way for popcorn to me.  And don’t even get me started on the time he told me there was a transformer on the  power line down the street.  See?  Puns literally come naturally to me.  I can’t help it.

Hmm…  This post was supposed to be about my career and looking for hobbies on the side.  I think I like this better.

Happy Friday!

- J

Sharing is Caring

I just saw two people walking down the street together.  One person had on two belts.  The other was showing their underwear.

I don’t understand fashion.

Happy Saturday!!

- J

Why I Haven’t Blogged in a Week

Well, first there’s this:

 

which was fun, but then there’s this during the day…

Yep, that’s seven inches of dead trees which comprise the work that has come to me since Monday.

Now, according to a recent statistic I made up, 92% of my blog entries are posted at work in the morning before I get started.  So just for fun (and in the interest of productivity) I’m going to start “home blogging”.

The theory here is that at home my attitude will be different and thus affect my writing.  The other theory is that when I’m not at work and if I’m not out doing other things, I’m probably in my papasan chair watching stand-up and not really inclined to move (much less create coherent sentences).  So making a habit of this may require a slight adjustment in my blogational fortitude. 

Come to think of it, my list of personal adjustments I want to make in life makes that pile of paper up there look like one of the players in the picture above it.  I need to get to the gym more often, I need to bring lunch instead of buying it, I need to put more in savings, I need to keep up with friends, and the list goes on.  It’s an aggravating list and I bet we all have one.  I guess I’m just a basics kind of guy.  Because I’ve got those covered – food, shelter, clothes.  After that, everything else sort of congeals into some kind of adult bachelor meets 6 year old existence.  ”I’ll pass on laundry tonight because there’s a new episode of House.  Or perhaps I could go jogging. Oh wait, I could play Guitar Hero.  Let’s see…  Jogging = running and sweating.  Guitar Hero = standing still and feeling like a rock star.”  Not a tough decision, really.

Anywho, life is what it is and I’m enjoying most of it.  I live in the greatest city in the world, I have amazing friends and family and, overall, God has been entirely too good to me.

Have a good’n,

- J

A Novel Idea

When/if I’m ever married, I’m going to write a book about bachelorhood and my love life.  I think I’ll call it “Someone Peed in My Dating Pool”.

Think it’ll sell?