Behold! Icy Death!

February 2, 2011

This is what greeted me this morning when I stepped outside.

That’s a half-inch sheet of solid ice which stretched pretty much all the way to the train. 

We got ice in Texas all the time, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen it covering this much sidewalk.  I could have ice skated to the train.  Which would have been a heck of a lot of fun, come to think of it.

Have a good one,

– J

Haikuna Matata

January 14, 2011

Lion cubs eat meat.

Could not live on bugs alone.

Not enough protein.

That part always bothered me about The Lion King.  Also, as if it’s not painfully obvious, I just had to find a way to make that pun.

– J

Snapple Cap

January 7, 2011

I promised myself I would spare y’all my next Snapple cap, but then this happened…

I can’t help myself.  And for some odd reason, this one made me laugh.

Happy Friday!

– J

Great Quote

January 4, 2011

“May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you’re wonderful, and don’t forget to make art – write or draw or build or sing or live only as you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself.”

Neil Gaiman

Name Game

January 3, 2011

I need your help.  This idea may very well go over like a screen door on a submarine, but I trust you guys.  Y’all probably like submarines and would not want said submersed vessel to sink like a rock.  Right?  So if this doesn’t work, I’ll be forced to put a screen door in place of the standard air-tight entry hatch.  It’s a really nice submarine.  The interior is very homey and the outer hull is a pleasant color blue with white accents.  I would like to paint a smiley face on the front end, when and if I have the time.  And the sooner you save it, the sooner I’ll stop abusing this tired, old analogy.

So it’s a new year, new me, etc etc.  So let’s start this party off with some honesty.

I have grown to hate “The Rambling J – The Life and Times of a Hillbilly Yankee“.  I don’t ramble much, I am named J, but “Hillbilly Yankee” doesn’t quite fit me.  I was never much of a Hillbilly to begin with, and I became a Mets fan after being brainwashed by Roomie.  So I’m looking for suggestions, inspirations and/or donations to benefit a new name for this corner of the internet.  Some of you have been reading for a while, some are newer, some just laugh at how I assume I have more than 15 readers.  Either way my blog needs a new name.  Any assistance and input you can provide would be very welcome.

C’mon guys.  Do it for the submarine!  And the analogies!!

– J

Just Another Mundane Monday

December 13, 2010

Confession.

Every time I hear a soldier in a movie scream “INCOMING!!!” I secretly hope that on the other side of the battlefield there was another soldier who screamed “OUTGOING!!!”.

What?  It’s Monday before 9:00AM.  You expected quality humor?

– J

Another Novel Idea

December 7, 2010

It’s been said that everyone has one great novel inside them.  Being contrary by nature, I do not.  I do however have several titles of novels and other books inside me.

She’s Got Away With Words
“A collection of Dear John letters from men around the world”

An Inconvenient Tooth
“Wisdom teeth and other areas of the body which God could have worked a little harder on”

And the Rest, is Mystery
“A scientific study of the discovery and evolution of narcolepsy”

Chicken Soup for the Seoul
“A biography recounting a group of missionaries and their attempts to bring food and religion to the impoverished in South Korea”

Do Bees Even Have Knees?
“Common turns of phrase that probably made your childhood more difficult than it had to be”

It’s All His Fault
“A reference guide to assist in blaming every single bad thing that happens in your life on either George W. Bush or Barack Obama”

It’s All His Fault
“Real estate complications in the San Andreas area”

Graceful Exits
“Knowing when to end blog a post before annoying your readers.”

– J

Jitter

November 30, 2010

I got to wondering what it would look like if I had a Twitter account for a day.  So here you go.  For those unfamiliar with Twitter, there are two things that will help this make sense.  1) Each Twitter entry is limited to 140 characters and 2) The most recent posts are at the top, so start reading this from the bottom.

– J

Twitter is weird.
9:13 PM November 30th

I can see how having Twitter drastically limits productivity in a day.  Instead of making dinner, I’m tweeting about making dinner thus slowing down the dinner making process.
7:45 PM November 30th

Dinner!!  And yes, it’s bacon.
7:40 PM November 30th

@Alicat:  Sorry I called you Alicat.  Know what else I’m sorry about?
5:30 PM November 30th

That last tweet was me officially annoying myself.
4:10 PM November 30th

That last tweet was an excuse to use the phrase “in case you didn’t catch that” just one more time, in case you didn’t catch that.
4:09 PM November 30th

That last tweet was an excuse to use the word “slathered” in case you didn’t catch that.
4:08 PM November 30th

That last tweet was slathered with sarcasm in case you didn’t catch that.
4:07 PM November 30th

Yay!!  I get to update task codes at work!!  I frikkin’ LOVE task codes!!!
4:06 PM November 30th

@DBarrymore:  So are you thinking a Winter or a Spring wedding?
3:00 PM November 30th

Note to self:  Stop leaving notes for yourself.
1:57 PM November 30th

I enjoy confusing Amazon by searching for the most random things possible many times within an hour.  It makes the suggestions for you hilarious.  “Why yes, yes I would like a hairdryer and a copy of the Septuagint.  Combine into one shipment, please.”
12:30 PM November 30th

I created a shrinking machine!!  Unfortunately, it got so small I can’t find it…
10:47 AM November 30th

@Roomie:  Tonight, let’s make bacon covered bacon.  With some bacon on the side.
9:15 AM November 30th via iPhone

I miss snow.  Wonder if I’ll get to see it before 2011.
8:05 AM November 30th via iPhone

Good morning!  Let the games begin!
7:09 AM November 30th

Closing Thoughts

November 28, 2010

I leave you tonight with this question:

If you walk until your legs hurt, have you overschlepped?

Goodnight, Internet.

– J

Orange You Glad I Blog?

November 18, 2010

You might remember this post I did a while back exploring the name (or more precisely the non-name) of the Orange.

Well check out what greeted me this morning on my daily comics page…

Pretty impressive if you can come up with a joke before B.C., amiright??

Happy Thursday Almost Friday!

– J

It’s Like Flickr, but in 1930

November 12, 2010

One of the highlights of last week was checking out the Alfred Stieglitz’s New York photo gallery at the Southstreet Seaport Museum.  Very interesting stuff, for city dwellers or not.  It’s open through January and highly recommended if you can make it. 

Happy Friday!!

– J

WARNING!

November 10, 2010

THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

Counting Down

October 27, 2010

Been a wild couple of months.  We’re leaning into the last turn of the last lap of Countdown.  The pressure and G forces are becoming such that sentences coherent are hard to becoming form.

Since all our billing is done, us billers get sent out in greedy little waves all over the tri-state area to pick up checks from clients.

A lot like this, but the monkeys are in business casual dress.

Running around the city is something I do for fun anyway, so I really don’t mind except when it’s raining (which it always seems to do the last week of October).  Occasionally they’ll send us so far out it requires a car.  These are the checks we fight amongst ourselves for because getting paid to ride in a car is pretty sweet.

Anywho, almost done, and then life returns to “normal”.  I’m taking some vacation and seeing what kind of trouble I can get into.  Hopefully I’ll end up with some good stories for this neglected little corner of the internet.

Have a good one!

– J

Fight Night

October 11, 2010

2:43 AM

Consciousness works its unwanted way into your soundly sleeping mind.  Gently at first, almost soothingly calling you back to reality.  One bleary eye angrily cautiously opens to explore what Consciousness could possibly want that is so important.  The second eye reluctantly follows suit when the first lands on the clock and assesses the time.

“Wow.  A whole three hours,” says the brain, sarcastically.  The brain looks forward to the remaining 4 hours of sleep it will happily return to after kicking Consciousness in the face.

But Consciousness doesn’t give up easily.  Too many synapses have fired and now the brain has the audacity to start *thinking* about things.  It reviews the previous day.  It considers what this day will hold.  It thinks this might make an interesting blog post and drafts the three paragraphs you just read.

Eventually the brain decides a return to sleep is the best idea, but now the body is awake too…  The brain had to wake it up to roll over and look at the clock.  And now the brain wants to go back to sleep, but the body is not willing.  And so you toss and turn and then toss and turn some more.

You find yourself searching for the magical combination of positions that will let you sleep again:

1) On the stomach, head on the firm pillow, right arm under the firm pillow, left arm holding the soft one, right foot sticking out from under the sheet…  No.

2) On the back, head straight forward, right arm holding soft pillow, whole left leg sticking out from under the sheet…  No.

3) On the right side, hugging soft pillow with both arms, entirely under the sheet…  No.

4) Screw the soft pillow.  On the stomach, full sprawl, much like a chalk outline at a murder scene…  No.

5)  On the left side, no sheet, head on firm pillow, right leg bent at 90 degrees…  No.

6) Sit up, curse, flip firm pillow, flop face down and scream into the cool side…  No.

Exhaustion sets in and the brain and body both give up.  In a final push against Consciousness, after 2 hours the brain forces you to lay uncomfortably and dream about bicycling.

You hate bicycling.

Happy Monday, everyone.

– J *yawn*

I’ll Name Her Photoshop

September 24, 2010

And God looked down and saw that J needed to be amused on a Friday morning.  And it was so.  Ladies and Gentlemen, the Zedonk.

She’s wearing striped genes.

– J