Posts Tagged ‘humor’

Call the Ball

May 13, 2011

Top Gun turns 25 today.  Here are some ideas to help you celebrate:

  • Play sand volleyball and be late for a dinner date
  • Listen to “Danger Zone” on a loop all day
  • Ride a motorcycle along side an airplane
  • Buzz a tower 
  • If you don’t have an F-14 Tomcat or a tower handy, just run screaming past your bosses office.
  • Sing “She’s Lost That Loving Feeling” to a complete stranger
  • Hit the brakes (they’ll fly right by)
  • Insist everyone call you by your made up handle
  • See a MiG 28 do a 4G negative dive…  inverted.
  • Take someone to bed or lose them forever
  • Let your ego write checks your body can’t cash
  • Practice your overhead and then behind the back high-fives with a friend

And I guess watching Top Gun isn’t a bad idea either.  Happy Friday everyone!

– J (flies below the hard deck)

The Tupperware List

May 12, 2011

We’re all familiar with a bucket list.  That list of things you need to do before you die.  It’s a very morbid concept if you think about it for a minute.  “Before my imminent death, I must do these things to know what it really means to live.”  It’s depressing, really.

A bucket list is usually comprised of very lofty goals and there’s nothing wrong with having such a list, it’s just that they shouldn’t be crossed off spontaneously or as a last minute act of defiance against death.

Run with the bulls!  Fly a plane!  Visit the pyramids!  Swim with sharks!

I’m only 30.  I still have plenty of time and opportunity to knock out the big crazy adventures.  At this point in life my list of undone personal achievements just isn’t that urgent or dramatic.  It’s not a Bucket List of things to do before I die.  It’s more like a Tupperware List of things to do whenever I get around to them.  And, as the name implies, no real loss if I have to throw them out.

J’s Tupperware List

  • Go to an Ikea
  • Bake a pie from scratch
  • Lose 10 pounds
  • Complete all my unfinished video games (there’s about 15, going all the way back to the Game Cube)
  • Go to a circus
  • Watch Arrested Development
  • Finish the Harry Potter books
  • Get better at bowling
  • Have a pet in the city
  • Learn video editing
  • Learn a second language
  • Buy a harmonica
  • Learn to play harmonica
  • Apologize to Roomie for playing harmonica
  • Give up harmonica
  • Pick up drums instead
  • Find new roommate

I’ll be sure to cross these off if any of them happen.  And feel free to share your Tupperware Lists too!

– J

Just Another Mundane Monday

December 13, 2010

Confession.

Every time I hear a soldier in a movie scream “INCOMING!!!” I secretly hope that on the other side of the battlefield there was another soldier who screamed “OUTGOING!!!”.

What?  It’s Monday before 9:00AM.  You expected quality humor?

– J

Jitter

November 30, 2010

I got to wondering what it would look like if I had a Twitter account for a day.  So here you go.  For those unfamiliar with Twitter, there are two things that will help this make sense.  1) Each Twitter entry is limited to 140 characters and 2) The most recent posts are at the top, so start reading this from the bottom.

– J

Twitter is weird.
9:13 PM November 30th

I can see how having Twitter drastically limits productivity in a day.  Instead of making dinner, I’m tweeting about making dinner thus slowing down the dinner making process.
7:45 PM November 30th

Dinner!!  And yes, it’s bacon.
7:40 PM November 30th

@Alicat:  Sorry I called you Alicat.  Know what else I’m sorry about?
5:30 PM November 30th

That last tweet was me officially annoying myself.
4:10 PM November 30th

That last tweet was an excuse to use the phrase “in case you didn’t catch that” just one more time, in case you didn’t catch that.
4:09 PM November 30th

That last tweet was an excuse to use the word “slathered” in case you didn’t catch that.
4:08 PM November 30th

That last tweet was slathered with sarcasm in case you didn’t catch that.
4:07 PM November 30th

Yay!!  I get to update task codes at work!!  I frikkin’ LOVE task codes!!!
4:06 PM November 30th

@DBarrymore:  So are you thinking a Winter or a Spring wedding?
3:00 PM November 30th

Note to self:  Stop leaving notes for yourself.
1:57 PM November 30th

I enjoy confusing Amazon by searching for the most random things possible many times within an hour.  It makes the suggestions for you hilarious.  “Why yes, yes I would like a hairdryer and a copy of the Septuagint.  Combine into one shipment, please.”
12:30 PM November 30th

I created a shrinking machine!!  Unfortunately, it got so small I can’t find it…
10:47 AM November 30th

@Roomie:  Tonight, let’s make bacon covered bacon.  With some bacon on the side.
9:15 AM November 30th via iPhone

I miss snow.  Wonder if I’ll get to see it before 2011.
8:05 AM November 30th via iPhone

Good morning!  Let the games begin!
7:09 AM November 30th

WARNING!

November 10, 2010

THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

Fight Night

October 11, 2010

2:43 AM

Consciousness works its unwanted way into your soundly sleeping mind.  Gently at first, almost soothingly calling you back to reality.  One bleary eye angrily cautiously opens to explore what Consciousness could possibly want that is so important.  The second eye reluctantly follows suit when the first lands on the clock and assesses the time.

“Wow.  A whole three hours,” says the brain, sarcastically.  The brain looks forward to the remaining 4 hours of sleep it will happily return to after kicking Consciousness in the face.

But Consciousness doesn’t give up easily.  Too many synapses have fired and now the brain has the audacity to start *thinking* about things.  It reviews the previous day.  It considers what this day will hold.  It thinks this might make an interesting blog post and drafts the three paragraphs you just read.

Eventually the brain decides a return to sleep is the best idea, but now the body is awake too…  The brain had to wake it up to roll over and look at the clock.  And now the brain wants to go back to sleep, but the body is not willing.  And so you toss and turn and then toss and turn some more.

You find yourself searching for the magical combination of positions that will let you sleep again:

1) On the stomach, head on the firm pillow, right arm under the firm pillow, left arm holding the soft one, right foot sticking out from under the sheet…  No.

2) On the back, head straight forward, right arm holding soft pillow, whole left leg sticking out from under the sheet…  No.

3) On the right side, hugging soft pillow with both arms, entirely under the sheet…  No.

4) Screw the soft pillow.  On the stomach, full sprawl, much like a chalk outline at a murder scene…  No.

5)  On the left side, no sheet, head on firm pillow, right leg bent at 90 degrees…  No.

6) Sit up, curse, flip firm pillow, flop face down and scream into the cool side…  No.

Exhaustion sets in and the brain and body both give up.  In a final push against Consciousness, after 2 hours the brain forces you to lay uncomfortably and dream about bicycling.

You hate bicycling.

Happy Monday, everyone.

– J *yawn*

Putting the “Try” in Poetry

July 30, 2010

Shamelessly ripped off from Shel Silverstein’s “I Cannot Go to School Today”.

I cannot go to work today,
Said angry little blogger J.
My head spins, throbs and hurts.
I have no clean pants, socks or shirts.

The N is down for track repair.
And I hear there’s no conditioned air.
Have you seen the news on CNN?
A pollen count of one hundred and ten!!

The summer heat will melt my brain.
And I think there’s a very good chance of rain.
Humidity makes my knees creak and ache,
which walking would exacerbate.

I can’t get into work without I.D.,
And I seem to have lost mine, mysteriously.
Looks like it vanished during the night.
It’s been stolen (or “accidentally” set alight).

I cannot type cause my fingers broke,
So using a mouse would be a joke.
The sound of telephones makes me twitch.
Did you know office chairs make me itch?

If I touch a stapler my vision…
What?  What’s that?  What’s that you say?
You say today is… payday?

Crap!  I’m late!  Get outta my way!

– J

I Forgot The Halo

February 27, 2010

Winter is fun!

– J

Lost in Translation

October 9, 2009

What my roommate says to me:

“Hey J, I’m going out of town this weekend.”

What I hear:

“Hey J, you don’t have to wear pants for 2 days!”

Happy Friday everyone!

Funny Because it’s True?

September 21, 2009

Long standing quote:

“Why is there a hole in the roof of Texas Stadium?  So God can watch his favorite football team.”

Quote explaining last night’s loss in the new stadium:

“God must be pissed because of that big screen blocking his view.”
 – My roommate

You know, he might be on to something there…

– J

Measurements 2.0

September 17, 2009

I seem to be on to something here.  I knew I wasn’t the only one curious about these kinds of words.  At the prompting of a few readers, here’s some more discoveries I’ve made about the history of small units of measurement.

Dab

An interesting thing about “dab” you’ll notice is that it’s only used in reference to semi-solid materials.  You’ll never hear someone ask for a dab of steak, but a dab of mashed potatoes is fine.  I’ve used a dab of glue, but I’ve never put it on a dab of wood.  This is because dab was not originally a form of measurement, but a syrupy medicine used in the late 1800’s.  Dab was a famous cure-all sold in small towns by crafty salesmen from the larger cities.  If you’re arm was sore, put Dab on it.  If you had a toothache, put Dab on it.  Although today we know it was clearly a sham, “dabbing” something still made its way into common speech.

Dollop

The “Dollop” was created by the sour cream industry in conjunction with a major whipped cream brand based out of Glenview, Illinois.  During a marketing meeting a young, spry associate was asked to describe the products when used.  In a panic he looked up from his doodle and said “Uh, it goes Plop.” And the manager said, “No, that was taken by Alka-Seltzer.”  Adding another ‘o’ was out of the question, because then you were left with “polop”, which is a terribly unfortunate homonym.  So they decided to change the first letter AND add another vowel.  After a quick brainstorming session, the Dollop was born.

Measurements of Force

The evolution of most words describing force are based on reversed phonics.  Instead of sounding out the words, you word out the sounds.  Almost all sound words are onomatopoeia’s* (words that sound like what they are describing). 

Because of this, words like pop, pow, crack and whack all originated in stories told from person to person and then had to be spelled once they were written down.  And of course, these are also the sounds that Adam West makes when he punches someone.

It’s entirely possible I’m having too much fun with this…

– J

* fun fact: the word onomatopoeia IS in fact an onomatopoeia, describing the sounds made when trying to pronounce the word onomatopoeia.

A Little Off

September 15, 2009

Not too long ago I noticed an alarming amount of random words used for small measurements.  I also realized that we use them all the time but nobody seems to know where they came from or how they ended up in our daily speech.  So I did some reasearch and decided to share my findings with you.

Tad

First up is a “tad”.  The tad measurement has perplexed many linguists.  Most assume it’s a singular word when it is, in fact, a shortened form of the word “tadpole”.  When American settlers first decided to build homes in Louisiana, they were forced to build on marshlands with crude tools.  Lacking rulers they used many common items and animals around them to dictate length.  It was not an exact measurement, but the average tadpole is approximately half an inch long.  When using a “tad” to measure volume, it means something about the size and weight of a tadpole. Some other measurements from Louisiana they used that did not catch on include a gator tooth, an elm leaf and a bucket o’ swamp water.

Bit

When someone asks you for a “bit” of something, they probably don’t know exactly what they’re asking for.  Unbeknownst by most (because it mostly isn’t true), the bit did not always reference a very small portion of something.  The bit measurement comes from a horse bit which holds the reins in a horse’s mouth.  Back then, the average horse bit was a cylinder about 5 or 6 inches long and half an inch in diameter.  They have since been modernized and PETAfied to be thin pieces of metal with hinges on the edges to allow more comfort for the horse.  But the next time someone asks you for a “bit of salt”, don’t let them get mad at you for dumping about 4 ounces of it on their green beans.  They got what they asked for.

Oh, and the “little bit” is, obviously, the bit used by a Shetland Pony.

Smidgen

Smidgen comes to us, like so many words, as a contraction gone awry.  The correct spelling is Sm’idgeon.  It’s a combination of the words Small and Pigeon.  I know, I was surprised too.  But this does explain why you mostly hear the word smidgen in reference to food.  As with the bit measurement, a sm’idgeon was also originally a lot bigger before being adapted into modern dialects.  I, however, still put a sm’idgeon of butter on my popcorn.

Yes, I know a few quick google searches would give me the true etymology of these words and phrases.  But I am of the mind that it’s just way more fun to just make stuff up.

– J

R.I.P. Mixed Tape

August 2, 2009

Today I had to explain what a cassette tape was to a child because she has never seen one.

Woah.

– J

Rimshot! Stat!

July 29, 2009

I waited tables for several years, and out of that I’ve got lots of stories.  A few of them are even fit to tell in public.  Such as this one:

One lunch rush, I found myself waiting on our family doctor (long retired) and 4 of his friends.  This would be the same man that assisted in my birth.  I hadn’t seen him in years and after a brief catch up, he introduced me to the others at the table, all doctors.

The time came to take their orders.  In guest order it came like this:

1 – Chicken Fried Steak
2 – Chicken Fried Steak
3 – Chicken Fried Steak
4 – Chicken Fried Steak
5 – Chicken Salad

Before walking away from the table I said, “So…  Four out of five doctors recommend our chicken fried steak?”

I got nothing.  Not so much as a smile from any of them.  I, however, thought it was hilarious.

– J

Topic? What Topic?

July 24, 2009

Well so much for being a “stay at home blogger”.

When you’re young you get asked all the time what you want to be when you grow up.  For me, around the age of 8 that answer could change ten times a week.  Like some kind of career oriented attention deficit disorder.   Fireman! Archeologist! Astronaut! *gasp* I got it! An archeologist who fights fires in space!!!

Clearly this was before I learned that space was a vacuum.  Or at least before I knew what that meant.  You can’t tell an 8 year old that there’s a vacuum in space, because he’ll just imagine his mom sucking up asteroids with a Hoover.  I had a similar problem with microwave towers.

“Dad, what’s on the top of that tower?”
“Well son, that’s a microwave emitter.”

Seemed a bit out of the way for popcorn to me.  And don’t even get me started on the time he told me there was a transformer on the  power line down the street.  See?  Puns literally come naturally to me.  I can’t help it.

Hmm…  This post was supposed to be about my career and looking for hobbies on the side.  I think I like this better.

Happy Friday!

– J