Posts Tagged ‘random’

Just Another Mundane Monday

December 13, 2010

Confession.

Every time I hear a soldier in a movie scream “INCOMING!!!” I secretly hope that on the other side of the battlefield there was another soldier who screamed “OUTGOING!!!”.

What?  It’s Monday before 9:00AM.  You expected quality humor?

– J

Jitter

November 30, 2010

I got to wondering what it would look like if I had a Twitter account for a day.  So here you go.  For those unfamiliar with Twitter, there are two things that will help this make sense.  1) Each Twitter entry is limited to 140 characters and 2) The most recent posts are at the top, so start reading this from the bottom.

– J

Twitter is weird.
9:13 PM November 30th

I can see how having Twitter drastically limits productivity in a day.  Instead of making dinner, I’m tweeting about making dinner thus slowing down the dinner making process.
7:45 PM November 30th

Dinner!!  And yes, it’s bacon.
7:40 PM November 30th

@Alicat:  Sorry I called you Alicat.  Know what else I’m sorry about?
5:30 PM November 30th

That last tweet was me officially annoying myself.
4:10 PM November 30th

That last tweet was an excuse to use the phrase “in case you didn’t catch that” just one more time, in case you didn’t catch that.
4:09 PM November 30th

That last tweet was an excuse to use the word “slathered” in case you didn’t catch that.
4:08 PM November 30th

That last tweet was slathered with sarcasm in case you didn’t catch that.
4:07 PM November 30th

Yay!!  I get to update task codes at work!!  I frikkin’ LOVE task codes!!!
4:06 PM November 30th

@DBarrymore:  So are you thinking a Winter or a Spring wedding?
3:00 PM November 30th

Note to self:  Stop leaving notes for yourself.
1:57 PM November 30th

I enjoy confusing Amazon by searching for the most random things possible many times within an hour.  It makes the suggestions for you hilarious.  “Why yes, yes I would like a hairdryer and a copy of the Septuagint.  Combine into one shipment, please.”
12:30 PM November 30th

I created a shrinking machine!!  Unfortunately, it got so small I can’t find it…
10:47 AM November 30th

@Roomie:  Tonight, let’s make bacon covered bacon.  With some bacon on the side.
9:15 AM November 30th via iPhone

I miss snow.  Wonder if I’ll get to see it before 2011.
8:05 AM November 30th via iPhone

Good morning!  Let the games begin!
7:09 AM November 30th

Closing Thoughts

November 28, 2010

I leave you tonight with this question:

If you walk until your legs hurt, have you overschlepped?

Goodnight, Internet.

– J

Fight Night

October 11, 2010

2:43 AM

Consciousness works its unwanted way into your soundly sleeping mind.  Gently at first, almost soothingly calling you back to reality.  One bleary eye angrily cautiously opens to explore what Consciousness could possibly want that is so important.  The second eye reluctantly follows suit when the first lands on the clock and assesses the time.

“Wow.  A whole three hours,” says the brain, sarcastically.  The brain looks forward to the remaining 4 hours of sleep it will happily return to after kicking Consciousness in the face.

But Consciousness doesn’t give up easily.  Too many synapses have fired and now the brain has the audacity to start *thinking* about things.  It reviews the previous day.  It considers what this day will hold.  It thinks this might make an interesting blog post and drafts the three paragraphs you just read.

Eventually the brain decides a return to sleep is the best idea, but now the body is awake too…  The brain had to wake it up to roll over and look at the clock.  And now the brain wants to go back to sleep, but the body is not willing.  And so you toss and turn and then toss and turn some more.

You find yourself searching for the magical combination of positions that will let you sleep again:

1) On the stomach, head on the firm pillow, right arm under the firm pillow, left arm holding the soft one, right foot sticking out from under the sheet…  No.

2) On the back, head straight forward, right arm holding soft pillow, whole left leg sticking out from under the sheet…  No.

3) On the right side, hugging soft pillow with both arms, entirely under the sheet…  No.

4) Screw the soft pillow.  On the stomach, full sprawl, much like a chalk outline at a murder scene…  No.

5)  On the left side, no sheet, head on firm pillow, right leg bent at 90 degrees…  No.

6) Sit up, curse, flip firm pillow, flop face down and scream into the cool side…  No.

Exhaustion sets in and the brain and body both give up.  In a final push against Consciousness, after 2 hours the brain forces you to lay uncomfortably and dream about bicycling.

You hate bicycling.

Happy Monday, everyone.

– J *yawn*

I’ll Name Her Photoshop

September 24, 2010

And God looked down and saw that J needed to be amused on a Friday morning.  And it was so.  Ladies and Gentlemen, the Zedonk.

She’s wearing striped genes.

– J

I Want Confetti. And a Pony.

July 27, 2010

Ah HA!  I kept from going a whole month without a post by a day.  I win for life.  Or at least for this moment that I’ve chosen to brag on myself for a menial accomplishment. 

Seems like every year July sneaks up on me.  I brace myself for January so I’m fully aware when it arrives.  Heck, we throw it a welcoming party.  I happily accept March since the year is in full swing.  I take in every day of cool weather as Spring beings to uncoil itself and then BAM.  July is about to become August and I still haven’t done anything of merit.  Except for never going a month without an update, of course.

On the same train of thought, I can’t possibly tell you how I woke up this morning approaching 30.  Or what I’ve accomplished so far.  Or even what exactly it is I have left to do. 

Okay, okay.  That’s way too deep for a Tuesday.  Tuesday’s are depressing enough on their own without me adding serious, introspective questions to the mix.  We can ponder the meaning of life and how to prove one has been successful another time.  A Thursday perhaps. 

See you in no more than 30 days (or your money back),

– J

Let There Be Light (And Dinosaurs)

June 28, 2010

After an exhausting week, Roomie and I decided it would be a good idea to stay in on Friday night, order a giant pizza, have few drinks and watch Jurassic Park.  I don’t feel this was an unfair request of life, seeing as how it had spent the last 5 days repeatedly kicking me in the face.

Around about 8:30 we experienced what I am told is called a “Brown Out”.  This is somewhat less severe than a black out.  I didn’t know there was a color-coded threat level system in place for power outages.  This must be where they got the idea for our national terrorism danger rainbow.  I called ConEd and asked what color alert a light bulb burning out is so I can be prepared.  They hung up on me.

Basically, a brown out is something only major city power grids can be absurd enough to create.  Some of the power goes out.  We lost power to all the lights and all but 4 outlets.  Two in the living room and one in each of our bedrooms.  This still left us with the air conditioner and the TV working so it really didn’t throw us off that much.  We did have to run an extension cord to the fridge though.

I slept in the living room since my room doesn’t have an AC in it.  Apparently things got worse during the night and the city of New York issued a full-on black out in Astoria.  At 4AM I woke up in a puddle of my own sweat and misery so I opened the window to let some air in.  And of course ConEd was outside cutting into the street with a giant saw theoretically attempting to fix the problem. 

Next time I want a relaxing night at home I’ll ask life for something simpler.  Just Ramen, water and network tv maybe.

– J

Proof I’m Always Right

June 12, 2010

Copied this from the results of a left/right brain dominance app on my iPhone. Don’t usually go for this kind of stuff, but I liked this for whatever reason. Plus it’s 7:30 in the morning, I’m on the train and uncaffeinated. I’m allowed to be random.

RIGHT BRAIN DOMINANT

HOLISTIC. RANDOM. CONCRETE. INTUITIVE. NON VERBAL. FANTASY ORIENTED. If you have a Right Hemisphere Dominance, you process information from whole to parts: you don’t pay attention to details but look instead at the big picture. You don’t adapt well to fixed schedules or rules: you like to manage your own time and enjoy doing many things at the same time. You learn best with pictures, diagrams, charts, and videos, and are good at talking about your feelings and interpreting other people’s emotions. Sometimes you may know that something is right and not know why: you just know it, and therefore you are great at seeing through lies or tricks. You are impulsive and very expressive, and probably are a dreamer. You are best at social activities and have a special quality for artistic endeavours such as music or creative activities.

Not a bad summary of the ol’ J.

Happy weekend!

J

Caps Rock

April 20, 2010

When I first learned my letters I remember being fascinated with the capital/lowercase concept.  Two versions of the same letter to use at different times, one clearly more important than the other.  If something merited a capital letter then it was special.  I understood why you capitalized someone’s name, but didn’t quite get why the first word in each sentence was so important (I expressed this a few years ago in a bit more sarcastic approach).  And then I realized if you use ALL CAPITAL LETTERS in a sentence it was like shouting, but without speaking.  I was easily impressed back then.  Still am now that I think about it.

Then I got to thinking about numbers.  Numbers are just as important as letters, right?  How come numbers only get one size and shape?  How come the first number in a sequence doesn’t get any special treatment? 

So, at the age of sevenish, I set out to right this injustice by creating the first capital numbers.  As I recall, all I did was just press down really hard with my pencil.  Essentially, I discovered how to bold something before being exposed to Microsoft Word.  So for a while I wrote all my numbers really dark and really big because I didn’t want them to feel left out.

I’m not sure why all that popped in my head this morning, but it was fun going back and thinking about it.  Hope you enjoyed another little glimpse into my mind as a child.

J

I Forgot The Halo

February 27, 2010

Winter is fun!

– J

Moon Pies

February 22, 2010

The Moon Pie

Description

Moon Pies are by description, marshmallow filling between two pieces of cake.  Moon Pies are in actuality, not.  The substance in the center remains a mystery, but the outer cookie-esque layers are a rare combination of graham cracker and cardboard (the cardboard gives it its nice, flakey consistency).

Moon Pies come in two flavors: Yellow and Brown.  The package might say Banana or chocolate, but trust me on this – the flavors are yellow and brown.

Consumption

There are certain requirements for a Moon Pie to truly be a Moon Pie.  Most of them have to do with the overall experience more than the taste.
  • Must be purchased from the shelf of a gas station
  • Is curiously dry
  • The outer layer must stick to the wrapper when opened
  • Must be consumed with an R.C. Cola

The R.C. Cola is an interesting requirement, and probably not everyone will agree with me.   The combination of a Moon Pie and any soda* is something that only the digestive system of a 10 year old boy (or a mountain goat) can typically handle.  Much like soda and pop rocks, but not nearly as entertaining.

Miscellaneous

There are many bizarre and inexplicable facts of life in the universe.  One such universal anomaly is the age of the Moon Pie.  For unknown reasons, the expiration date marked on each individual Moon Pie is perpetually one month older than whatever date you find it. For example, if you find your Moon Pie in February 2010, the expiration marked on the package will be at least January 2010 (or earlier).  The greatest scientists in the world have been unable to explain this phenomenon, primarily because they haven’t tried.  My guess is that somehow time slowed down in old gas stations and we just never noticed.

Hope you’ve enjoyed this brief history of snackology.  If you’ve never had one and come across a Moon Pie, go for it.  They don’t taste “bad” exactly.  They just… taste.  I will however say that if this is what people eat exclusively on the moon, I’ll happily stay Earthbound a while.

– J

* Pronounced “coke”

Silent Letters

February 18, 2010

Thoughts on “B”

Stupid B.  As if enough words don’t already start with you, you have to go sticking yourself in places you don’t belong.  Numb, dumb, thumb, plumber, crumb, tomb, womb, comb, lamb.  Damb it B, what gives you the right to just join in wherever you feel like?  “Oh it’s cool,” you say. “I’m being silent.”  No, what you’re doing is taking up space and keystrokes.  You don’t improve peoples word counts, you just make spellcheck work harder.  If you ask me, I think you have co-dependency issues with M, since you seemb to always need to be right beside himb.  Get a life.

Thoughts on “K”

You’re no better than B.  You and your knights, knives, knees, knobs and knickers.  But you’re not even content to jump in at the end of a word.  You’re so attention starved that you jump in the front of words, seriously confusing children learning to use phonics and dictionaries at the same time.  What do you have against N that you keep cutting him off?  You already come before him in alphabetised lists.  What more do you want?

Somebody has to put the alphabet in its place.  Might as well be me.

– J

February

February 5, 2010

February.  The non-conformist month.  Other months had to pick between 30 or 31 days.  Nope, not February.  February said, “You know what, I’m just not that motivated.  I think 28 days is plenty.  And you know what else?  I’m going to put an “r” in my name just to confuse people.”

February is a lazy month and tries to put off doing as much actual “work” as possible.  About halfway through, February likes to take advantage of all those people in lurv* and distracted by their lurvliness.  Then he coasts by the last week or so.  Usually by tossing in random snow storms to keep people occupied. 

You may not know this, but March and February do not get along.  The reason March feels like it takes forever is because it has 31 days to pick up February’s slack. 

But every 4 years or so February gets motivated.  “Okay, fine.  Sorry I’ve been a bum lately, guys.  I’m going to do more to pull my weight around here.  I’m going to add another day.  Because I’m just that kind of month.  Please, please…  Don’t thank me.  Glad to help out.”

And the other months think, “Maybe this time he means it.  Maybe he really is changing for the better.  Who knows?  Next year he might finally hit 30 days like the rest of us.”

But he never does.  He goes right back to his old routine.  Some months just never change.

– J

*Lurv – The early stages of love, when it’s still in that pubescent stage that (like any teenager) annoys the crap out of everyone within a 20 foot radius.  Except the two people in it, of course.

A Sports Story

January 26, 2010

“I wish my shoes made that neat squeaky noise on the floor like everyone else’s.  I wonder why they don’t…”

loud whistle is blown

“Oh yeah, I’m playing basketball.  Everybody is running that way, so I guess I’ll do that too (and hope for a squeaky noise).”

Our hero searches the other end of the court for the number he has been assigned to guard.  He finds the number attached to an unfortunately large and menacing child.  Seeing that “guarding” is out of the question, he settles for “annoyingly bumping shoulders with”.

“Who’s bright idea was this? I’m 60 pounds and they have me guarding a child the shape of an athletic VW bus.”

They score.  Everybody heads down to the other end of the court.  He again follows.  Once there, he finds that something has suddenly been thrust into his hands.

“Oh my gosh…  I have the ball.  They gave me the ball!  This is it!!  This is my moment.  Wait, what am I thinking??  PASS!!!  Pass the bloody ball!!!  Somebody save me, please!  Crap, no one open.  Screw it.”

He spins to the left very dramatically and lunges with not quite pin-point accuracy.  The ball bounces around the rim a bit and goes through the goal.

“Aaaaah!  I made a goal!!!!   I get a high-five now, right??  The cool kid just high-fived me!  Now what?  Oh yeah, run back to the other end of the court.  Again.  *sigh*”

And so goes the story of the first and only shot I ever made in a real basketball game.

– J

More Deep Thoughts

January 19, 2010

How come the orange was exempt from needing a real name?  Apple, pear, strawberry, grape, etc, all had to have real names.  Was the first orange ever discovered so perplexing that it couldn’t be described any way other than its color?  Why didn’t the lemon end up being called a yellow?  They’re pretty much the same thing.  Clearly the lemon was discovered by a more creative person.

I’m serious.  Someone associated a word as silly as “banana” with a yellow peely thing and it stuck, but an orange peely thing is just called “orange”?

Yes, these are the kinds of things I think about when I’m alone on the train.  And as a result I am now on a personal quest to find a proper name for the “orange”.  And with words like “kumquat” out there I’m free to be as ridiculous as I want.  Suggestions welcome.

– J