Finishing Touches

Hi Internet!

I successfully moved all my crap from one place to another with the help of some amazing humans.  Being a basement dwelling there were some logistical obstacles to negotiate.  For instance I only just got my satellite installed last weekend.  Here’s part of the phone call setting up my Direct TV:

Nice Lady – “So how soon do you need your satellite installed?  I’ll find out what dates we have available for you.” 
J – “Okay let me think.  Um, do you know when season 3 of Justified starts?”
Nice Lady – “Haha!  Yeah I think it’s the 17th.”
J – “Great, put me down for the Saturday before then.”

Internet is being set up Tuesday so pics and other apartmenty stories will come shortly after.  Seriously, I’ve been living like a caveman for almost a month.  I’m getting Verizon internet so we’ll see if it lives up to the hype.  I have greatly enjoyed all the e-mails I’ve been receiving from Verizon regarding my installation appointment.  All the e-mails.  About my internet being… installed.  We all have smart phones so it’s not really as funny as it should be, but I still find the concept amusing.  Reminds me of the time a few years ago when I called someone about my cell phone not turning on and they asked me if it was the one I was using to make the call.

Anyway, still here just crazy busy.  Happy Friday everyone.

J

‘Tis But an Update

It has been suggested I should write something and that’s true enough.  In recent months I’ve neglected to mention anything about my 5 year Newyorkiversary in September, Countdown ending at work in October, my upcoming vacation or my recent mysterious injury.  I have also not discussed politics, celebrity gossip, the Occupy Wall St movement or reality television.  But that’s because those topics all make me feel throwuppy and mad.

I will now attempt to rectify the aforementioned bloggational shortcomings before the year-end.

With regard to the injury, worry not dear reader.  No serious harm done, just a very uncomfortable few days involving my shoulder seemingly attempting to separate itself from its body.  However it should be noted for posterity that I have reached The Age of Inexplicable Ailments, whereby one can simply sleep incorrectly and injure oneself for more than just a few minutes after waking up.  Aleve’s stock has officially increased by one more surly and decrepit 30 plus.  I have humbly accepted this as my first step in becoming a lawn-defending curmudgeon.

I’ll be inflicting myself upon the Lone Star State next week which (for reasons that will blamed on the Ali’s) has been colder than New York till just recently.  Standard Christmas merriment and cheer to be had by all with the exception of holiday air travel.  Fully embracing the Christmas Spirit, each season I take a moment to pray for the person I’ll be sitting next to on the aeroplane.  I pray that any conversation had will be uplifting, I pray for their spiritual wellbeing, and I pray that they will not have small children in tow.  Or a cold they wish to share.

I think I’ll discuss the ending of Countdown and my New York City quinquennial in a separate post*.  Being that they are a tad emotional and not matching the feel of a simple status update.

Till then,

Jasonius Maximus,I, Esq.

* I’d also like to take this opportunity to thank the hardworking employees at Google, Wikipedia and Mr. Webster, without whom this post would not have been possible.

I Feel All Growed Up

I live a relatively simple existence.  I do my best to maintain a drama free social circle and I have my daily/weekly/monthly routines and rarely deviate from them.  But every now and then I like to take my comfortable little life, pack it into a proverbial food processor and mix it without the lid on.

Pictured: Change

At the ripe old age of 30, I’ve decided it’s time to get my first apartment to myself in the city.  I lived on my own a few times in Texas and I loved it.  Of course I was also paying somewhere around $400 a month.  Up here roommates are more or less required if you also intend to eat regularly.

 

Through the connections of some truly wonderful people I’ve found a great Astoria studio in my price range and I’ll be moving around the first of January.  We haven’t drawn the paper work up just yet but I have verbal confirmation from the landlord and that’s enough to get me excited and to start the wheels spinning.

 

I’m really looking forward to taking a space that is singularly mine and putting my personality into it.  I’ve never looked at NYC apartments as long-term things and so I’ve never bothered accumulating much or going out of my way to decorate.  As a result I’ve always felt like I live in a dorm room.  I consider having matching furniture to be a sign of refined living.  But I’m convinced I can (and need to) do better.  Truthfully I expected to be married by now and had hoped to avoid making the really difficult life decisions like what color paint to use in a living room.  Seriously.  I see those little paint sample cards and just freeze up.

 

Fortunately I’m blessed with a lot of amazing and creative friends to help in the process.  And lord knows I’ve helped enough people move I won’t feel guilty calling in a few favors come moving day.  

 

And hey!  Blog fodder for months!!

 

- J

 

 

 

Meow Get Back to Work

Well, JaBloUpaSto went about as I anticipated.  Started off really into it, had a few weeks of fun and then it fizzled out.  Not unlike my gym habits and the reaction from most women I’ve dated.  Say la vee.

So this happened at work today while helping a co-worker who couldn’t understand an invoice:

Her – What are these numbers?
Me - Those are the disbursement lines.
Her – And those?
Me – Those are the fee lines.  The fee lines are separated by the types of work done.  The billing fee lines, of course.  Not cats.  It would be hard separating cats based on work they do.  I mean, they don’t do much so they’d all just end up in one big pile.
Her – *walks away rolling her eyes*

I continued this unfortunate train of thought all the way to its awkward caboose of an ending, whereupon in my head there was a cat wearing a tie explaining what an H-1B Visa was and what processes the government filing fees covered.

And that’s when I came to the conclusion that it was time to take a break from the LOLcats.

J

Metallica.jpg

Give me

Give me

Give me

Give me 

Oooooooh yea-heah

This one’s mostly for my brother.

I enjoyed Variations on a Famous Phrase, so here’s another one in a different style.

A Variation of a Variation of a Famous Phrase, if you will.

In case the above clues didn’t give it away, it’s “Give me fuel, give me fire, give me that which I desire.”  Lyrics from the Metallica song “Fuel”.  I’m sure this song inspired many a speeding ticket since its release, as it strongly encourages life in the fast lane.   Fuel, easy enough.  Fire, sure I can find that for you Mr. Hetfield.  But that which you desire?  Well you’re not being very specific there are you?  I can only assume you intended us as the listener to fill in that particular blank for ourselves as we sing along.  So those are some of mine.

I openly admit this post would be a lot funnier if my photoshop skills were up to par and I had more time.  Perhaps I’ll add some more later.

- J

FTW??

I knew I shouldn’t have picked the busiest month of my year to attempt a writing challenge.  I blinked and missed a whole week.  But if I’m not mistaken (and I never am *), I pretty much promised I’d fail at this.

Anyway.

From an understandably confused reader of the comments:

“Please explain ‘trunk wuzzle’”.

This will come as a shock to many of you, but I’m not always up to date on the latest slang.  I fake it better than most, but more often than not I’m just hoping I’m using it right.  Basically, I wouldn’t be able to function in social settings without context clues.

Case in point – we all know what WTF stands for.  It’s a little rude, but mostly universally known.  Suddenly, some new version of it showed up on the internet.  I started seeing people proclaim “FTW!!!!”

Come to find out, it means For The Win.  For instance, let’s say I do something awesome.  You know, the usual.  I could do said awesomeness and then might shout, “Jason for the win!”

Embarrassing fact:  For the longest time I had no idea what it meant…  So I started saying fut the whuck when I was confused by something.  I knew it was wrong, but it was funny to me.

In an email chain between me and two friends I shared this story and a few other possibilities that I considered it might mean.

For the women!
Found the water!
Felt the wombat!
Fled the weather!

And my favorite…

Fugly Trunk Wuzzles!!!

I’ll leave you to Google Wuzzles.  And fugly for that matter.  If it bothers you, fuzzy is an acceptable substitute.

Some inside jokes are best left indoors.

- J

* going to admit it

A Landmark Entry

This is my 250th post!!

 

- J

Crispy Hipsters

Step 1 – Listen to Crispy Critters by C.W. McCall

Step 2 – Substitute the word “Critters” with “Hipsters”

Step 3 – Laugh till you cry

This is probably only funny to me and 4 other people on the planet, but by golly it’s worth sharing here.

- J (got the one with the silver t-shirt, you get the rest with the net)

Week One Won With a Weak One

Post five of week one.

First official crap post is…

Another haiku.

Goodnight!

J

Speak Not of thy Pied Moons

I should have said I’d update 3 times a week.  I knew I should have said 3.  It would have been easier and also given me an excuse to use the word “thrice”.  However, technically I started this on a Tuesday so this is my last day of the first week.  So I’ll need to update twice today.

I am occasionally proud of the random crap I put on here.  But during this month of frequent blogging I’ve forced upon myself I’m going to take a moment to express frustration with one post in particular.

That dang Moon Pie post.

I’m not linking too it because it gets enough attention as it is.  It got 64 hits last week.  161 the week before – 50 of which were in one day.  It’s the most frequently viewed post on my blog by hundreds.  Out of sheer bewilderment I searched Google for moon pies and I was on the second page.  Shouldn’t I be receiving some sort of advertising bonus or something by now?

It’s not like I’m cranking out Shakespeare or anything, though I never miss a chance to make up or a word.  I don’t expect any legitimate accolades or compensation for blogging*.  I’m just a bit shocked that of all posts that’s the one that gets the most hits every day.  I even started an entry with a ridiculously oversized letter once.

And of course I’m only going to make it worse by bringing it up again here.  But such is the nature of the universe (which has surprisingly comfy seats).

Anyway, long delayed rant over.  More shenanigans to follow this afternoon/evening.

- J

* However if someone wanted to hand over the keys to the universe, I’d take it out for a spin.  I’ll bring it back at a reasonable hour and park it on the right side of the street.  Promise!

Spreading the Sweetness

I’m kind of a genius.  A few years ago I discovered that if you put the sugar in before your coffee, the hot coffee will then melt the sugar and make the whole mixing process a lot easier.

Wednesday morning when making my daily cup of caffeinated wonderment, I smugly reached for my sugar packet watching the poor soul next to me add sugar to coffee that already had milk in it.  *Sigh* Some people.

Anyway, it’s time to do the flicky-flicky-flicky thing to get all the sugar in the bottom of the packet.  My favorite part.  But wouldn’t you know it there was a hole in the bottom of the packet, effectively spreading Sugar in the Raw clear to Jersey.  Seriously y’all, I think I may have found a revolutionary way to seed huge fields.

Okay, not the best way to start the workday but surely an isolated incident.  Cut to Thursday.  I’ve already forgotten yesterdays mishap and now it’s time for another cup of Jason’s Motor Skills.  Flicky-flicky-flicky AW FOR CRYIN’ OUT LOUD, NOT AGAIN?!?

This morning, just moments ago…  I have never so cautiously selected a packet of sugar in my life.  And I’m happy to report zero sugar spray.

Yep.  It’s going to be a good day.

Happy Friday!

J

I am Blogger…

And now, Variations of a Famous Phrase.

“I am woman, hear me roar!”

Today’s phrase comes from the opening lines of the 1970 song “I am Woman”, written by Helen Reddy which quickly became an anthem for the women’s liberation movement happening around the same time.

I, being the smartass creative person that I am, insist on taking such a phrase and branching it out a bit. Surely women aren’t the only people out there who need a voice. So here are a few more unappreciated groups that I feel could potentially make use of a good battle cry.

• I am Historian, hear me lore
• I am Math Teacher, hear me bore
• I am Sad, cheer me more!
• I am Bull, hear me gore
• I am Beggar, hear me poor
• I am Indian Tracker, me hear floor
• I am Rower, hear me oar
• I am Golfer, hear me, “Fore!!”
• I am Sheep, shear me more.
• I am Sleeping, hear me snore
• I am Prostitute, hear me whore
• I am Grounded, hear me chore
• I am Supersonic Pilot, hear me soar

This is the kind of humor that can also result from having too much Pratchett in your diet. Oh well, hopefully good for a laugh or two. Of course sharing your own empowering battle cries is encouraged. I gave up trying to find one for Texan, Blogger, New Yorker and various Star Wars characters.

- J

JaBloUpaSto

National Novel Writing Month (creatively shortened “NaNoWriMo“), is the annual challenge to write a novel in one month.  Officially slated for the month of November, thousands of writers both novice and professional spend a crazed month cranking out stories.  It’s a test of creative skill, determination, committment and sheer stubbornness.  There are all sorts of words per day requirements, specific challenges and many other rules I’m too lazy to look up.

I’ve always wanted to try it.  I haven’t because it’s a case where I look at an obstacle and then realistically assess it based on a carnal knowledge of my own motivation and habits.  I can see all of this year’s posts on my home page without using the “older posts” button.  A novel?  That’s just silly talk, that is.  And it would be crap anyway.  I’m not a story writer and I’ve never created characters deeper than Persons A and B to prove a point*.

However, I’m still inspired by the concept and I’ve put it off long enough.  I could benefit from a good writing challenge.  I like the idea of forced deadlines but not knowing what’s going to be produced, I’m just not in a place to commit to something so involved at the moment. 

So I’m proposing a compromise with myself.  I’m going to do my own version of NaNoWriMo here by posting a minimum of 5 times a week for one month.  That’s a very lofty goal for me.   I’m almost positive there are official programs similar to this.  National Blog Every Day For a Month or some such thing.  But I’ve never been one to stick with uniform organization.  So join me September 20th – October 20th for Jason Blogging Up a Storm, or “JaBloUpaSto”.

Things you as the unfortunate reader should be aware of:

1 – I will cheat.  I will count drafts already started prior to this and do not be surprised to find 4 one sentence posts in a day if it’s a Sunday afternoon and I’m running behind.

2 – After about two weeks it’s going to turn into me free writing whatever sloshes out of my brain and onto the keyboard desperate for something to post.  In other words it might only make sense to me and will probably not be very funny.  As my intangible support system it’s your job to nod and smile or request further explanation in the form of a follow-up post.  Inspirational comments will be key.

3 – Similar to number 1, I’m going to count posts about how much I’m hating doing this should the mood strike me.

I’m actually very excited about this (today).  So here’s to free range, unrestrained creativity and maybe a 28% chance of success!

Wheeee!

- J

 

* Characters in literary form, mind you.  They have an odd habit of jumping in and out of my speech on a regular basis.

Moderately Interesting Things

A few people have asked me to recount my encounter with last weeks now infamous “hurriquake”.  I’m happy to say there’s not much to say.  In my 23rd floor Manhattan office the floor just bobbed a little.  And hurricane Irene was merely an inconsiderate and unwanted guest, not even having the common decency to show up on a weekday or close my office for one business day.

Again, of course I’m thrilled neither event affected me that much.  I know a lot of people fared much worse than being forced to stay indoors for an evening.  Heck, we never even lost power.  My first hurricane experience included a lot of junk food and guitar hero.  So nothing out of the ordinary, really.

Aside from deity controlled events, life is still busy and getting busier.  Our fiscal year end has officially begun at work bringing the usual level of insanity up a few more notches.  I was just given 3 more attorneys, two of which are major names at the firm.  My five year mark at this job will be October 2nd.  This is the longest I’ve stayed at one job and also the hardest one I’ve ever had.

In the midst of countdown, Forefront is moving its east side location service across the street to Mason Hall at Baruch College.  It’s a great space and will fit the growing needs of our church better.  I’m still leading the setup team at Forefront so I’m quite involved in the logistics of making this happen.  The Gramercy has been my Forefront home for nearly 4 years and I’m going to miss it.  But I’m excited about the change and being part of it.

Also, football is back and I get to experience the excitement and inevitable disappointment that only Dallas Cowboy football can provide.

Happy Friday!

J

Working the Crowd

When it comes to certain social situations I often feel like the American who devoted his life to studying Egyptian history but has only made it as far in his travels as Kansas.  I know a lot in theory but lack field experience.

That’s not entirely true of course.  I’m generally a social being and I go “out” fairly often.  There are just some scenes I’m better at than others.  And of course the presence of females only complicates matters, what with my amazing ability to confuse them with my rapier wit and sudden speech ampadamant as soon as they show interest.

What I think I sound like:

“Good evening, I’m J.  Pleased to make your acquaintance.  My, you look lovely tonight.  Might I buy you a drink and perhaps exchange humorous pre-rehearsed banter with you?  I have a delightful collection of safe and amusing statements about being from Texas, or perhaps I’ll ask what you do for a living.  Ladies choice, of course.”

What I sound like:

“Garble farber and a flabba glabba cabba buy you a drink pretty person?”

Thursday night found me at a $25 all you can drink happy hour with a coworker and some of her friends.  This was your standard midtown after work bar scene.  The exact kind of crowded mess I avoid as often as possible.  A space 6 feet wide between the bar and the booths filled with a hundred business casual and over-confident yuppies all trying to order drinks from 3 bartenders.  Not just shoulder to shoulder crowded.  Chest to shoulder to hey-who-touched-my-butt crowded.  I’m much, much better off at a spacious bar or a pool hall where I don’t have to scream at the person standing next to me.  Because I’m also that guy who inevitably starts a sentence right as the song is going to cut off and it sounds like “Okay, I’ll have another rum and coke but first I HAVE TO PISS LIKE A RACE HORSE.”

I see a beautiful young lady at the back of the crowd looking at the bartender hopefully.  I’ve managed to weasel my way into a space closer, so I ask if I can get her something.

“Thanks, but my mom is getting mine.”

I must say that was a first for me.  I silently applauded her creativity and turned around to see an older lady holding two beers and laughing at me.  She told me they’d be back and I could try again later.

I managed to embarrass myself a few other times that night, but they don’t translate into written word as well.  I’ll just say one ended with her saying, “Thanks anyway.  It was a nice try,” and leave it at that.

All in all it was a fun night.  I did meet a lot of great people.  The group I went with was awesome.  These were just moments where I attempted to branch out.  And for some reason felt compelled to share it with you all.

Don’t hate the playa,

- J